Shots in the Dark

…there’s a Facebook group, “I have more foreign policy experience than Sarah Palin.”

Well…not really!

But it sure is funny.

Wow. I have been learning so much in the last four days. The McCain campaign has mostly been teaching me about foreign policy, cause it turns out I am pretty good already on domestic issues like talking to angry school board presidents, figuring out how much of a raise to give to the highway superintendent, and of course I am basically Alaska’s expert on dealing with fishing permits

Someone put this candidacy out of its misery….

…because Levi Johnston didn’t?

(Sorry! Too easy.)

The Internet gambling has already started….

Here are some more pictures of Bristol Palin’s babydaddy, courtesy of Gawker. Boy, Alaska looks like fun!

One of the most annoying people in this presidential campaign is McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds, who is always quick to throw out cynical and sarcastic soundbites that sound more like the kind of thing you’d find on a Rush Limbaugh message board than coming from a presidential campaign.

So it was a delight to see CNN’s Campbell Brown (met her once, she’s terrific) grill Bounds over Sarah Palin’s foreign policy experience. When Bounds starts talking about her being head of the Alaska National Guard—what a crock of silliness that is—Brown says something like, “I’m glad you mentioned that, Tucker,” then goes on to repeatedly ask him if he can name one decision she made as head of the National Guard.

Watch Bounds squirm. It’s not just great TV, it’s good journalism.

You heard it here first: It is only a matter of time till Sarah Palin steps aside as John McCain’s running mate and Mitt Romney takes her place. The only question is, Will it happen during the convention or after?

Here’s why:

1) She’s going to get killed on late-night. (I like the Jimmy Kimmel one.)

2) She is clearly unqualified for the job.

3) She has a scandal at home to deal with that’s worse than McCain knew when he picked her.

4) Every step she takes, she reminds us that in the most important decision of his campaign, John McCain did everything wrong—both the process of it and the end result.

5) She let the dogs out! How many reporters are landing in Alaska as we speak?

6) There are more revelations to come. Just a hunch.

7) “I may be broke, but I’m not flat-busted.”

She used to be a registered Independent.

9) She’s not winning over voters. A TIME poll shows that only Dan Quayle had lower approval ratings after being selected.

10) No one’s going to like the idea of her being on the campaign trail while her 17-year-old is home puking in the toilet. (Sorry, but it’s true.)

11) Conversely, Palin has the easiest out in the world: “I’ve decided that the demands of my family make it impossible at this time for me to help John McCain bring change to Washington and this great nation.” Blah-blah-blah.

One could go on. But can you imagine how much alcohol is currently being consumed  in Minneapolis? Those GOP conventiongoes better be careful, or they’ll be making some more babies…..

Here I was, all poised to write an item about the rumors flying around the Internet that Sarah Palin isn’t the mother of her Down’s Syndrome baby, Trig.

(The Palins, by the way, say that “Trig” is Norse for “strength.” I will bet you ten dollars that this is not the real inspiration of the name. My theory? Trig stands for “trigger.”)

How bizarre that the Palins have shot down this rumor by saying that it can’t be true because, as we now all know, Bristol Palin is knocked up. Where to start?

1) Well, first, this is clearly a vetting failure on the part of John McCain. I like the way the Times puts it [emphasis added]:

Although the McCain campaign said that Mr. McCain had known about Bristol Palin’s pregnancy before he asked her mother to join him on the ticket and that he did not consider it disqualifying, top aides were vague on Monday about how and when he had learned of the pregnancy, and from whom.

That is as close as you’ll ever come to hearing a newspaper say that someone is lying to its reporters. As McCain obviously is. He clearly didn’t know, because (my theory here) Sarah Palin herself probably didn’t know until the past couple of days. Remember that the family was brought to Ohio, where Palin was announced, by private plane, and the kids were lied to about the reason for the trip. Poor Bristol! She never had a chance to tell her mom that there might be a little bun in the oven stick in the spokes.

2) How Bristol’s pregnancy will play out with Americans is anyone’s guess. Have we become the country of Jamie Lynn Spears, truly, or do we still expect more from our leaders? But there’s a fantastic opportunity here for the Democrats to seize the family values mantle from the Republicans. Barack Obama: family man. Joe Biden: overcame family tragedy, remarried, family man. But John McCain: Cheater. And Sarah Palin: wacko family.

(Anyone else noticed that son “Track,” who’s off to Iraq, is just 19? What, he had to get over there before the shooting stopped?) And the Republicans are trying to say that a 17-year-old getting pregnant is really no big deal. “Life happens,” says McCain adviser Steve Schmidt. That’s awfully blase, isn’t it? Can you imagine what conservatives would be saying if it were the 17-year-old daughter of, say, John Kerry who were pregnant? We’d be hearing all about “liberal values” and “well, that’s what happens when…” and “hippie parents” and so on. Well, let me be the first to say that there is no more poetic justice for a governor-mom who opposes the sex-ed in school than having your 17-year-old get pregnant. Bristol Palin is the best argument for progressive social policies.

3) Because, frankly, look at the dad. The New York Post, God bless it, has discovered his identity. Levi Johnston is a 17-year-old entering senior at Wasilla High School and a former hockey teammate of Bristol’s older brother, Track. (I guess this makes Bristol the real “hockey mom.”) In a wonderful example of the kinds of lost-privacy issues Harry Lewis talks about in Bits, the Post was able to access Johnston’s MySpace page before it was taken down.

Johnston boasts, “I’m a f - - -in’ redneck” who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.

“But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in’ chillin’ I guess.”

“Ya f - - - with me I’ll kick [your] ass,” he added.

He also claims to be “in a relationship,” but states, “I don’t want kids.”

Good luck with that, Bristol!

I joke—how could anyone resist? (and this may be the death of the Palin candidacy, but more on that later)—but here’s the tragedy of teen pregnancy. Bristol Palin will now have to have a child that she’s clearly not prepared for and marry a guy who’s clearly not ready for marriage. (Doesn’t want kids, threatens physical violence, lives in a land of long, cold winters…. I see some hot-line calling in Bristol’s future.)

This is the flip side of the abortion/choice issue: Because of her mistake, and because of her parents’ values, Sarah Palin will have no choice about the rest of her life. Unless, as it almost surely will, this marriage ends in divorce.

“Life happens,” says the McCain campaign. And when you really think about it, how callous a comment is that? Teenage mom married to a Neanderthal? Too fucking bad, Bristol, and I mean that literally.

4) The GOP convention: Stick a fork in it, it’s done. No one’s going to be talking about anything except Palin this week. I myself can’t wait to see her speak on Wednesday.

5) How much is Bristol Palin like her mom? (See college photo below. If you can’t read the shirt, it says, “I may be broke, but I’m not flat-busted.” Get it?)

This picture alone isn’t exactly going to help the Palin candidacy….

A possibly unique albino whale shark spotted off the Galapagos island of Darwin….

The GOP is considering postponing its convention because of a tropical storm/hurricane heading towards New Orleans.

Senior Republicans said images of political celebration in the Twin Cities while thousands of Americans flee a hurricane could be dubious. “Senator McCain has always been sensitive to national crisis,” said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds …

…A hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico could also cast unwelcome attention on the offshore oil rigs that McCain has championed as a solution to rising gasoline prices — they are now being evacuated in the face of the coming storm.

But there could be a silver lining if Bush used the storm as an excuse not to attend the convention. (Bush-he’s the president. Sometimes one forgets.)

Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan, who said in a recent book that Hurricane Katrina left “an indelible stain” on the Bush presidency, said Bush should be making plans to cancel his speech. …He also suggested that McCain could benefit politically from such a scenario: It would allow Bush to mount an effective GOP response to a disaster, while removing the unpopular president from the convention roster. “It could be a two-fer,” McClellan said.

The mind reels….

TalkingPointsMemo.com found this for sale in the John McCain store: