Here I was, all poised to write an item about the rumors flying around the Internet that Sarah Palin isn’t the mother of her Down’s Syndrome baby, Trig.

(The Palins, by the way, say that “Trig” is Norse for “strength.” I will bet you ten dollars that this is not the real inspiration of the name. My theory? Trig stands for “trigger.”)

How bizarre that the Palins have shot down this rumor by saying that it can’t be true because, as we now all know, Bristol Palin is knocked up. Where to start?

1) Well, first, this is clearly a vetting failure on the part of John McCain. I like the way the Times puts it [emphasis added]:

Although the McCain campaign said that Mr. McCain had known about Bristol Palin’s pregnancy before he asked her mother to join him on the ticket and that he did not consider it disqualifying, top aides were vague on Monday about how and when he had learned of the pregnancy, and from whom.

That is as close as you’ll ever come to hearing a newspaper say that someone is lying to its reporters. As McCain obviously is. He clearly didn’t know, because (my theory here) Sarah Palin herself probably didn’t know until the past couple of days. Remember that the family was brought to Ohio, where Palin was announced, by private plane, and the kids were lied to about the reason for the trip. Poor Bristol! She never had a chance to tell her mom that there might be a little bun in the oven stick in the spokes.

2) How Bristol’s pregnancy will play out with Americans is anyone’s guess. Have we become the country of Jamie Lynn Spears, truly, or do we still expect more from our leaders? But there’s a fantastic opportunity here for the Democrats to seize the family values mantle from the Republicans. Barack Obama: family man. Joe Biden: overcame family tragedy, remarried, family man. But John McCain: Cheater. And Sarah Palin: wacko family.

(Anyone else noticed that son “Track,” who’s off to Iraq, is just 19? What, he had to get over there before the shooting stopped?) And the Republicans are trying to say that a 17-year-old getting pregnant is really no big deal. “Life happens,” says McCain adviser Steve Schmidt. That’s awfully blase, isn’t it? Can you imagine what conservatives would be saying if it were the 17-year-old daughter of, say, John Kerry who were pregnant? We’d be hearing all about “liberal values” and “well, that’s what happens when…” and “hippie parents” and so on. Well, let me be the first to say that there is no more poetic justice for a governor-mom who opposes the sex-ed in school than having your 17-year-old get pregnant. Bristol Palin is the best argument for progressive social policies.

3) Because, frankly, look at the dad. The New York Post, God bless it, has discovered his identity. Levi Johnston is a 17-year-old entering senior at Wasilla High School and a former hockey teammate of Bristol’s older brother, Track. (I guess this makes Bristol the real “hockey mom.”) In a wonderful example of the kinds of lost-privacy issues Harry Lewis talks about in Bits, the Post was able to access Johnston’s MySpace page before it was taken down.

Johnston boasts, “I’m a f - - -in’ redneck” who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.

“But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in’ chillin’ I guess.”

“Ya f - - - with me I’ll kick [your] ass,” he added.

He also claims to be “in a relationship,” but states, “I don’t want kids.”

Good luck with that, Bristol!

I joke—how could anyone resist? (and this may be the death of the Palin candidacy, but more on that later)—but here’s the tragedy of teen pregnancy. Bristol Palin will now have to have a child that she’s clearly not prepared for and marry a guy who’s clearly not ready for marriage. (Doesn’t want kids, threatens physical violence, lives in a land of long, cold winters…. I see some hot-line calling in Bristol’s future.)

This is the flip side of the abortion/choice issue: Because of her mistake, and because of her parents’ values, Sarah Palin will have no choice about the rest of her life. Unless, as it almost surely will, this marriage ends in divorce.

“Life happens,” says the McCain campaign. And when you really think about it, how callous a comment is that? Teenage mom married to a Neanderthal? Too fucking bad, Bristol, and I mean that literally.

4) The GOP convention: Stick a fork in it, it’s done. No one’s going to be talking about anything except Palin this week. I myself can’t wait to see her speak on Wednesday.

5) How much is Bristol Palin like her mom? (See college photo below. If you can’t read the shirt, it says, “I may be broke, but I’m not flat-busted.” Get it?)

This picture alone isn’t exactly going to help the Palin candidacy….